


Lost it to Trying

by thearcticfox



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Other, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 19:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18580987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thearcticfox/pseuds/thearcticfox
Summary: Elliott knew it wasn’t love. His emotions were entirely too fresh, too selfish. Love was patient. The throbbing in his chest at the thought of Bloodhound was anything but - he wanted them, needed them, wondered what he’d done to deserve the pain of not having them.His heart was that of a boy’s, daydreaming and gentle. Not naive - he knew himself a fool. He just didn’t care.





	Lost it to Trying

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Son Lux song. Inspo from life and “Not in Love” by the Crystal Castles. Ali Murray cover to set the mood to read: https://youtu.be/ASPftPZY0Xc
> 
> Thank you for any kudos or comments ;w;

Elliott’s apartment was cold. The night breeze pushed his dark curtains aside to chill his bedroom. Even beneath his thick blankets, he shivered, the cold reaching down to his bones. 

Angel City was rarely ever cold. But the last few nights he’d been unable to get warm, curling under his sheets and praying for some respite. 

He could shut the windows. He’d had them locked earlier, curtains pulled tight to keep the dark in. 

 

“ _Ya gonna wither away, cooped up like this,” Ajay scolded. She pulled the curtains apart. Sunlight dripped through, an unwelcome honey._

_Elliott groaned, shifting in his perch atop his desk._

_“I get ya sad, but bein’ here alone ain’t doin’ ya no good.”_

_”Maybe I’m not trying to do myself good,” he snipped back._

_He cursed in shock as a pillow raced through the air to slam into his head._

_“F-fu-Christ, Ajay!”_

_”Ya self deprecating ain’t only hurting you!”_

_He shifted on the desk, turning to look at her. Standing before the open window, her loose hair danced in the light breeze, sunshine highlighting her auburn skin. Her amber eyes were downturned, watching him, waiting for a response._

_It looked like pity. He hated it._

_“You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine. Get over myself in a few days.”_

_”Ya better. Or I’m coming back.”_

 

Elliot much preferred the moonlight to the harsh day. It was gentler in his eyes and heart, lighting the room but giving him space to breathe. The sunlight was like molasses, working into his lungs and drowning him. 

He knew why Ajay worried. For months he’d been more and more infatuated with his teammeate. The way they moved - graceful, calculated. The delicate way they clutched their knife. The kindness in their voice as they prayed for their opponent’s safety in passing. 

Bloodhound was someone to be admired. Elliott Witt was a klutz, stumbling over his words and heart. He should have known he was too messy for his feelings to be returned. Part of his heart longed to know why - what was it in him that made him undesirable? Unworthy? Was their opinion of him a pleasant one that yet lacked romance? Did they despise him and were too kind to say? Or worst of all, had he been cursed with being so lackluster Bloodhound found him entirely unimportant? Someone to chat with when around, but not one to think of after. One to forget. 

Elliott knew it wasn’t love. His emotions were entirely too fresh, too selfish. Love was patient. The throbbing in his chest at the thought of Bloodhound was anything but - he wanted them, needed them, wondered what he’d done to deserve the pain of not having them.

His heart was that of a boy’s, daydreaming and gentle. Not naive - he knew himself a fool. He just didn’t care.

 

” _Tell me, felagi - when you speak of having a ‘crush’, are you speaking of me?”_

_Elliott choked on his drink._

_“I know I asked you to tell me of them. You just seemed so happy. But they sound like me.”_

_Their mask was unmoving, biofocal gaze unblinking. The charms on their hair twinkled. Endearing._

_“Fuck, Houndie, I’m sorry. I didn’t- I- I’ll go.”_

_A hand grabbed his as he headed for the door. Hound’s place was small - he had no room to move away._

_“I am not upset, Elliott.”_

_”No, just - I am, okay?”_

_“It’s alright.”_

_”No, it’s not. Because I- I care about you, I want you to be happy, but_ fuck _, I want it to be with me. And you don’t feel the same.”_

_They sighed. No further reply._

_He yanked his arm away and crawled home in shame._

 

Elliott knew he’d be fine in time. Pain never lasted. Could take a long time, but it would pass. 

Despite it, as he pulled his blanket closer and cursed the wind, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d live an eternity in bed, vying for sleep and being offered only heartache.

 

he always wanted what he couldn’t have. 

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me if it’s disjointed or just not written well. It was hard to write lol


End file.
